just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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