he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
