Just fell off a train. Bad.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
