drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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