Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
she peed on how many people?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
