I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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