She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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