Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
