apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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