I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
