If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
