Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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