I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
