So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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