Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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