Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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