Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
