I accidentally had phone sex last night
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
