Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
