so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
