This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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