Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Holy shit dude........stairs
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
