Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
