Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I deserve this hangover.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
