He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
