I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Bring me that man meat
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
