She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
