2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
