Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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