I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
