Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
