I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
