just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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