Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
