moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
