How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
