just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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