My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
