and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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