her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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