I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
