apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
