you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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