i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
