can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
