I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
