Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Randomize
