the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Randomize
