Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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