He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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